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Shaped by circumstances from birth

Picture the new born baby which starts life with innocence and a brain with few impressions. It starts to experience life and living and soon the brain has some impressions and templates being carved out. Good and not so good experiences and impressions. A distorted image develops.

The individual distorted image of a male coming with his own unique impressions and experiences of life and the individual distorted image of a female also coming with her own unique impressions and experiences of life, get together (perhaps marry) and become an item. The two distorted images are suppose to live a lifetime together in harmony. Their differing impressions and experiences of life, including the adaptations they have had to make to survive life, may no longer serve them well in the new twosome. Adapt and survive or live with conflict is now the choice. The two individuals look sound from external appearances, but inside they have many unresolved issues.

Diagram: Pinch & Crunch

(You really need to see the Pinch & Crunch diagram to make sense of this episode. Send me a message to get it, as I cannot add images to the Podcast).

We enter relationships at the courting stage, bringing with us all our stuff (good and not so good). We are actually negotiating with each other as we adapt and seek to ascertain whether there are enough common attractions that can hold and carry the relationship. There is a collusive fit which brought us together, but that is not enough to keep us in courtship.

If time proves to be a glue, then time may also see the relationship develop to permanency or marriage. A pinch will disrupt harmony and we must decide which option to take to deal with the pinch which has the potential to de-stabilise. Options include fight, flight, separate, divorce, counselling or going back to an earlier stage in the relationship and starting again to renegotiate needs and expectations.

Crunches are an even more painful and de- stabilising assaults on the relationship and like pinches, we must choose an option, including doing nothing. Doing nothing is to coast in the relationship. We are then at the mercy of an event in the future which will occur and take the choice out of our hands, so that outcomes are no longer determinable by the parties.

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neurosci

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Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process.

Sex Addicts need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of a partner in order to see the relationship from the partner's vantage point and perspective. All clients with Sex and/or Porn Addiction have traits which come from Narcissism. (That does not mean they are necessarily to be diagnosed with NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

Seeing life and the relationship from the vantage point of the impacted partner is going to be very scary for the Addict. It means that they have to set aside Narcissistic tendencies and embrace Empathy for a short while.

That really is scary indeed for the Sex/Porn Addict with Narcissistic traits. Most of them believe that they are Empathic and 'do' for others. (I suggest that they are Empathic in a conditional way; only so long as something comes back to reward them for good deeds; but they cannot see it and would strongly object to this statement).

I suggest that the antidote to Narcissism is Empathy. They both CANNOT co-exist at a high level of expression in the same person. Just like the same poles of a magnet repel each other, so it is with Narcissism and Empathy. Only one can rule and be (being) used at a higher degree than the other.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neuroscience of Addiction | Porn Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Authentic Self Discovery | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Fantasy Escape | Codependency | Shame in Addiction | Guilt in Addiction | Addiction in Relationship | Infidelity | Therapy for Addiction | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Self-Discovery | Healing Journeys | Personal Growth | Intimacy Building | Healthy Relationshi

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We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted.

We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toilet seat (up or down), and the top off the toothpaste, is in full flow. Yet, it has nothing to do with the toilet seat or the toothpaste (which 'breaks the camel's back') - causing us to retreat from the relationship.

Here is a little of what Authors Jacobs, Dicks & Scarff have to say:

"Unconscious attraction: Choice or chemistry: we are not aware of it. At an unconscious level we often pick and are picked out by a partner who has had similar earlier life experiences. They may have dealt with these experiences in an opposite way. Unconscious choice of a partner is based on similarity. It may feel that you "complete each other" or have found your "other half........When couples unconsciously choose each other it may be as a second chance to play out old conflicts (from childhood) which were not successfully managed the first time around".

We choose partners & are chosen by partners at both conscious & conscious levels.

Counselling may explore the idea of "chemistry" between two people: how two people "fit" together to form a "whole".

Hendrix & LaKelly add their worth by suggesting:

"The Search For "One and Only": So how does this information add to our understanding of romantic attraction? We seem to be highly selective in our choice of mates. In fact, we appear to be searching for a "one and only" with a very specific set of positive and negative traits....... we are each looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us....it is a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds".

Aren't we strange and fickle people - us human beings? Might AI do it better for us - partner choice I mean?

British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast?

https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Porn Causes | Recover from Addiction | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Childhood Trauma | Inner Child work | Childhood Development and Addiction bullying | Porn Addiction Recovery | Abuse | Sexual Abuse | Sex Addiction Recovery | Domestic Violence | Family Conflict | Overcoming Porn addiction | Porn Addiction Side effects | Porn Addiction Symptoms | Emotional Neglect | Quit Porn Addiction | Peer Pressure | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Mental Health and Addiction | Dissociation | Anger | Husband has porn | Recovery Program | 12 Steps Program | EMDR | Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing | Compulsive Behavior | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | The Kairos Centre | Neuroscience of Addiction | Porn Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Authentic Self Discovery | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Fantasy Escape | Codependency | Shame in Addiction | Guilt in Addiction | Addiction in Relationship | Infidelity | Therapy for Addiction | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Rela

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