This episode includes a conversation between TNWWY’s host, Samantha Cooper, and their guest, Lindsay Tauscher, on the concept of Chosen Family, which is a term used to describe close, committed relationships that are not based on biological or legal (“bio-legal”) ties.  In this discussion, they explain ways that Chosen Family can provide support and enrichment that may not be available from or with your “nuclear family” or “family of origin.”

Sam and Lindsay share how they met and became close friends, and how their relationship exemplifies the value of Chosen Family. They also talk about how Chosen Family can be a subversive force against norms and expectations associated with the nuclear family. 

“...a chosen family is made up of people who have intentionally chosen to embrace, nurture, love, and support each other regardless of blood or marriage.” - Bahiyyah Maroon, Ph.D.

The term Chosen Family is often used in queer communities to refer to the people who have intentionally chosen to support and love each other, regardless of bio-legal ties (such as biological relation, adoption, and marriage) This term originated during the climax of the AIDS crisis in the United States when many queer people could not rely on their families of origin for even the most basic forms of support. Today, Chosen Family is still a significant part of queer culture, as it provides a sense of support and community for those who may not have that depth of connection with their families of origin.

Relevant episode timestamps:

1:47 - Chosen Family: The Importance of Developing and Maintaining Relationships Outside of Family of Origin

5:26 - The History and origins of "Chosen Family"

9:31 - Chosen Family structure

15:42 - The Nuclear Family Structure: A History

22:12 - The Negative Impact of the Nuclear Family on Individual and Community Wellbeing

28:26 - The Importance of Community Rituals and Practices 

31:13 - The Relationship Between Chosen Family and Family of Origin

38:55 - The Benefits of Non-Monogamy for Building Stronger Relationships

42:25 - How to Celebrate the Holidays as a Non-Monogamous or Polyamorous Person

49:06 – Incorporating Your Chosen Family into Holidays AND throughout the rest of the year

51:56 - Lindsay and Sam wrap up a conversation – you are not alone

Episode Resources:

Families we Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship by Kath Weston: https://a.co/d/1pDwBWD

“We Just Take Care of Each Other”: Navigating ‘Chosen Family’ in the context of Health, Illness, and the Mutual Provisions of Care amongst Queer and Transgender Adults: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33050069/

Homelessness Among LGBT Adults in the US: https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/lgbt-homelessness-us/ 

What Chosen Family means, and how to build your own: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-resilience 

Follow Lindsay:

Lindsay Tauscher, Somatic Resilience Coach: https://workwithlindsay.com/

Instagram:

This episode includes a conversation between TNWY’s host, Samantha Cooper, and their guest, Lindsay Tauscher, about navigating challenges with one’s "family of origin" (a term that refers to the family in which you were raised) during the holiday season, including estrangement, conflict, and boundaries. Sam interviews Lindsay, and both share their personal stories and experiences with parental estrangement. The conversation includes some guidance, support, and practical suggestions for listeners for navigating family challenges during the Holidays (and more generally). 

Lindsay (she/they) is a trauma-informed Somatic Resilience Coach and one of Sam’s dearest friends. Lindsay is a coach who works with queer, gender-expansive, and neurodivergent leaders and visionaries. Throughout this conversation, they talk about the importance of authenticity in connecting with others and connecting with yourself during this (sometimes) challenging season.

In the second (solo) segment of this episode, Sam 1) briefly covers some research about family estrangement experiences and stats, and 2) offers practical suggestions for how to make things easier for yourself at this time of year, whether or not you are actively in a relationship with your family of origin, and whether or not you are spending time with them during the holiday season.

Episode timestamp guide:

00:00-03:37: Intro to episode topics, structure, & guest bio (with a content note)

PART 1: INTERVIEW & CONVERSATION

03:38-07:15: Sam and Lindsay kick off the conversation

07:16-10:28: Discussion of personal stories of family estrangement; intersections with the Holidays; and the unexpected positive, generative results of estrangement.

23:20-40:24: Ways “tradition” and “obligation” can be used to disguise and protect troubling patterns within family systems; disrupting unhealthy patterns with boundaries; differentiating between rules and boundaries, and natural consequences and punishments.

PART 2: SOLO SEGMENT w/SAM

48:18: Sam discusses some research about family estrangement stats and experiences (note that the Pillemer survey is part of a family reconciliation project at Cornell University).

53:30: Practical suggestions for how to care for yourself during the Holidays if you have a challenging relationship with your family of origin and spend the Holidays with them.

58:03: Practical suggestions for how to care for yourself during the Holidays if you are not spending time with the family of origin (due to estrangement or otherwise).

Episode Resources:

• 8 things not to say to someone estranged from a parent: What people with great or good-enough parents need to know about listening.
• Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem ‘hiding in plain sight’ (Cornell Chronicle)
• Fault Lines by Karl Pillemer (associated with the Cornell Family Reconciliation Project)

Follow Sam (host):

unconventionalmindscoaching.com

Instagram @unconventionalmindsadhd | twitter @neuroresilient

Follow Lindsay (guest):

Personal growth has become yet another set of ‘rules’ for people to follow.  And if you don’t follow the rules, you are sometimes led onto the path that there is something wrong with you.  Sam includes themself in this group of people and talks about the idea of personal growth and self-improvement and explains why and how these efforts should be focused on personal liberation. They define personal liberation as a process of examining one's thoughts, actions, and beliefs to see if they are in line with one's own values or if they are based on oppressive societal structures. They give examples of how personal growth and self-improvement can be used to uphold oppressive norms if they are not done with the goal of personal liberation in mind.

Personal growth and self-improvement are often framed as overcoming negative behaviors and traits without acknowledging that these behaviors are often developed as a coping mechanism to difficult life circumstances.  Sam discusses how these concepts are often misunderstood and how better understanding them can help us developer greater self-compassion.

Follow Sam:

Unconventional Minds Coaching: unconventionalmindscoaching.com

Instagram @unconventionalmindsadhd 

Twitter @neuroresilient 

*Produced by KP Creative Media