It's my last day at work for the year... and I'm off to the beach...

Every year... because I'messentially an angry and quite grumpy person.... I go to the beach and I get mad. Angry at people doing dumb stuff... The problem with the beach is it's public. I can't yet afford my own private one.

Until then... here's my top five 5 things NOT to do at the beach this summer:

1. Rubbish Bins. They get full quickly. So everybody just piles their shit sky-high a biohazard version of jenga. Don't do that... it's unsightly. If the bins are full please dispose of your rubbish in the ocean... It's far less visible to your fellow beachgoers.. Seriously... Though... Just put it in the boot and take it home. Or. Save it up all summer and do a mass dumping at the council chambers in January.
2. Music. Just Don't. You may like Coldplay or Cardi B, others prefer the soothing sound of the actual ocean. It's quite hard to hear with Chris Martin whaling out of your stupid UE boom. The beach (and the bush, for that matter) are not just visual spectacles, but also an aural experience. Try closing one's eyes to the sun... and listening to the sound of the waves. The birds. The magic. But not your music.
3. Togs. There's always some wozer in the Herald over summer whinging about a woman's bikini being too revealing... too much skin for my liking. It's just not right! Honestly, just look away. People can wear whatever they like. Just ensure your nips and bits are covered... other than that... dental floss bikinis are A-OK. And if you're one of those people who complain... are you incensed at the woman's body, or the fact your husband drooling behind his dirty dog sunnies?
4. Swimming in jeans and t-shirts. Do you have a death wish? 86% of drownings happen during summer and you're a lot heavier in denim. That is a fact. You see this out at Piha... people being rescued wearing trackpants. Honestly. Take a leaf out of the dental floos book.
5. Finally... I love a good sunshade tent... the pop-up ones... some people have a full almost-camping set up. I'm all for it. But you cannot.... and I've seen this... set it up and leave it for days on end at a busy beach... overnight. You cannot bags bits of the beach. It belongs to nobody and everybody and that is entitled and shameful behaviour.
6. Wishing you all a warm, quiet, easy breezy beach experience this summer.

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