In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they’ll never hurt you again.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.

[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.

[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.

[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.

[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.

[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.

[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?

[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.

[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.

[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.

[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.

[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner’s indignation and anger?

[47:05] How can I respond to my partner’s promise to never hurt me again?

[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?

[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “All lying is manipulative in the sense that you’re trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way.”

• “Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern.”

• “Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves.”

• “No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats.”

• “Even if you could prove that acting out didn’t occur, that’s not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren’t being met.”

• “You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter.

[3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.”

[6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

[9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose.

[14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything?

[20:09] “All addicts are…” The danger of broad sweeping statements.

[24:15] “Sobriety will solve all relationship problems.”

[29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure?

[34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery?

[39:15] “Don’t go to the hareware store looking for bread.”

[42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him?

[45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing?

[49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You don’t quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you’re not thinking in terms of two-person systems.”

• “What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too.”

• “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

• “Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed.”

• “Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way.”

• “Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with.”

• “It doesn’t have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome.”

• “You can’t have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don’t take it seriously.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Dr. Rob and Tami address participant questions about sex, intimacy, betrayal, and addiction. They answer questions about finding peace with yourself in the midst of rage and repulsion, choosing recovery and allowing the process of forgiveness to play out, and how to find hope in the midst of betrayal.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:00] Forgiveness is a process and recovery is a choice.

[7:01] Are you taking care of your spouse while you’re dying inside?

[12:26] Is in-house separation the next right step?

[18:18] My husband’s betrayal has created chronic triggers in me. Now what?

[26:56] Finding hope in the midst of betrayal.

[27:44] What therapy is available to my lying partner?

[36:16] What can I do to grow my emotional maturity when I’m stressed?

[41:31] How can I move beyond my rage and repulsion at my betraying partner?

[49:28] How do you know when your partner is serious about change or just going through the motions?

[54:05] I have so much rage and I want revenge. How can I fix this?

[57:44] Should I know what my partner’s arousal template is?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Begging for forgiveness is not respecting the other person because they need to hurt for a while.”

• “You’re the one with the problem if you still let him in your bed.”

• “Women are not the problem. Your cheating husband is the problem.”

• “Whatever the other person does, you have to be strong enough to say ‘I am worth more’.”

• “Don’t ask ‘how can I not feel this way?’ Ask ‘how can I be at peace with myself?’”