Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?

[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.

[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.

[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.

[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.

[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.

[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.

[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.

[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.

[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.

[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?

[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?

[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.

[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”

• “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”

• “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”

• “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail.

[2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren’t).

[4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won’t tolerate from your partner.

[6:28] ‘Thinking’ boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts.

[12:47] ‘Emotion and feeling’ boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward.

[15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react.

[20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors.

[27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details.

[31:40] The best place to start is with yourself.

[36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential.

[37:15] My partner doesn’t even know what they’re feeling. Where do we start?

[44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what?

[47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery?

[52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here?

[56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out.”

• “Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions.”

• “I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner.”

• “The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be.”

Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness?

[6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness?

[10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy?

[13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate?

[19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom?

[27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn’t change an addict, will anything?

[28:00] How much of my husband’s acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use?

[32:45] My cheating spouse hasn’t had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed?

[36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago?

[43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in?

[47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner?

[53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “Forgiveness is like grief. It’s a long and rolling process.”

• “Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It’s one of the highest forms of vulnerability.”

• “If you, your relationship, and your children weren’t important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough.”

• “If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last.”