We’re discussing the hurtful practice of minimizing your spouse’s needs, thoughts and feelings, and how to do a better job of prioritizing them.

Understanding Your Spouse's Perspective

The importance of empathy in marriage, especially under the strains of fostering.

The Impact of Minimizing and Undervaluing

Negative consequences of not fully acknowledging your spouse's needs and struggles in a fostering environment.

• Disconnection
• Bitterness and resentment
• Hurt feelings
• Anger
• Guardedness
• Isolation
• Poor mental/emotional health

What does minimizing/under-valuing look like:

• Dismissing Concerns: When your spouse expresses worries or concerns, responding with statements like "You're overreacting" or "It's not that big of a deal" dismisses their feelings.
• Comparative Suffering: Saying things like "Why are you upset about this when there are bigger problems in the world?" or "I've been through worse" invalidates their struggles by comparing them to others'.
• Ignoring Emotional Needs: If your spouse seeks emotional support and you respond with indifference, like changing the subject or showing a lack of interest, it can feel like their needs are being minimized.
• Sarcasm or Mockery: Responding to your spouse's feelings or struggles with sarcasm, like "Oh, you're a real victim, aren't you?" or making fun of their concerns can be deeply hurtful.
• Downplaying Achievements: If your spouse shares an achievement or something they're proud of and you respond with "That's not a big deal" or "Anyone could have done that," it undermines their feelings of accomplishment.
• Belittling Emotions: Statements like "Stop being so sensitive" or "You're always so emotional" can make your spouse feel that their emotions are not valid or are an overreaction.
• Interrupting or Not Listening: When your spouse is talking about their feelings or concerns, consistently interrupting them or not really listening (e.g., looking at your phone) can convey that you don't value what they're saying.
• Offering Solutions Instead of Empathy: Sometimes, in an attempt to be helpful, one might jump to offering solutions ("Just do this instead") without acknowledging the emotional aspect. While well-intentioned, this can come off as dismissive of the emotional experience your spouse is sharing.

Strategies for Prioritizing Each Other's Needs

Prioritizing each other's needs and feelings in a marriage, especially when one spouse is struggling, involves a blend of empathy, communication, and shared responsibility. Here are some strategies that married couples can use:

• Active Listening: Make time to truly listen to each other without interruptions. This means not just hearing the words, but also understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them. Active listening involves acknowledging what your partner is saying and showing empathy.
• Regular Communication: Set aside regular times to check in with each other. This could be daily or weekly, but it's important to have a consistent schedule. Discuss not just day-to-day activities, but also deeper feelings and concerns.
• Empathy and Understanding: Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes, especially when they're struggling. Understanding their perspective can help in responding more compassionately and supportively.
• Managing Expectations: Be realistic about what each of you can offer and receive. This means understanding and accepting each other's limitations, whether they're emotional, physical, or related to time and...

We’ve all heard it. "Date your spouse." "You need date nights!"

Let's flip the script and introduce something we call “Connection Night.”

The Benefits of Connection for Foster Parents

Fostering can be incredibly rewarding, but also challenging, and maintaining a strong relationship is essential.

Connection nights offer:

• Connection and bonding.
• Stress relief and rejuvenation.
• A break from parenting responsibilities.
• Improved communication and conflict resolution.

Problems Faced When Foster Parents Neglect Connection

Neglecting connection nights can lead to:

• Burnout and emotional exhaustion.
• Strained relationships.
• Reduced ability to support foster children effectively.
• A feeling of being disconnected as a couple.

Inexpensive Connection Ideas for Foster Parents

Budget-friendly date ideas for busy foster parents:

• Lock - In
• Cook Together: Collaborate on a special meal, maybe even experimenting with new recipes.
• Game Night: Play board games or card games, providing fun competition and interaction.
• Picnic in the Park: Pack a simple picnic and enjoy the outdoors while the kids are at school or daycare.
• Art Night: Get creative with art supplies or crafts.
• Book Club for Two: Choose a book to read together and discuss it.
• Volunteer Together: Give back as a couple by volunteering at a local charity or community event.
• Home Spa Night: Pamper each other with massages, facials, or simply a relaxing bath.
• Nature Walk: Explore a nearby nature trail or park.
• Star Gazing: Enjoy a clear night by lying under the stars with a blanket.

Tips for Making Connection Nights a Priority

Strategies for ensuring date nights become a regular part of your routine:

• Schedule them in advance.
• Enlist the help of friends, family, or babysitters.
• Be flexible with your time.
• Communicate your needs with your partner.

Prioritizing Connection Nights can help maintain a strong and healthy relationship, while providing the best care for the foster children. Remember, a strong couple is the foundation for a strong family.

Thank you for listening to the Fostering Marriage podcast. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review our podcast to help us reach more foster parents and caregivers.

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com. We're here to support you in your fostering journey.

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In this month's episode, we’re discussing how to recognize and navigate grief together in marriage because grief is such a big part of the fostering and even adoption journey.

We have a very special guest with us, Dr. Melody Aguayo!

Dr. Melody is a parenting coach with a huge heart for families and children. With many years under her belt, Melody's seen it all: from high-risk kids needing a guiding hand, to those neurotypical dynamos that keep parents on their toes. She's all about swapping out those stressful control battles for a home filled with joy and peace.

Melody's not your average coach. She digs deep into understanding what makes parents tick (and occasionally ticked off!).

She has her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from East Tennessee State University and a Ph.D. in Psychology from Capella University. Plus, she's a certified TBRI Practitioner and Circle of Security Parent Trainer. But here's the thing – she says it’s her own journey as a parent that has been her greatest teacher. She’s a wife and mother of two adopted children and our parenting coach.

Dr. Melody shares about:

• How grief commonly manifests in couples who are involved in fostering
• How couples can effectively communicate their grief to each other without feeling overwhelmed
• How to recognize signs of grief in each other
• What to do when you're grieving and how to deal with it better
• When to seeking professional help for grief
• How to support each other through the grieving process
• How to keep from burning out
• How to build resilience for long-term coping with grief

And lastly, Dr. Melody dishes on who loads the dishwasher better between her and her husband? :)

If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, please feel free to reach out to us at fosteringmarriage.com.