In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and CSAT Jon Taylor consider the implications of two-person psychology and how cheating and betrayal never affect just one person. Jon shares common early recovery mantras as they apply to the two-person psychology filter, then answers listener questions about lying, sobriety, and disclosure.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Mantras for early recovery in the two-person psychology filter.

[3:06] “Focus on your side of the street.”

[6:01] Living with uncertainty in your relationship - “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

[9:15] Whatever you put in front of recovery, you will lose.

[14:08] Does your partner need to tell you everything?

[20:09] “All addicts are…” The danger of broad sweeping statements.

[24:15] “Sobriety will solve all relationship problems.”

[29:32] How can I overcome my fear of full disclosure?

[34:55] Should I move out because my partner is uncertain about my recovery?

[39:15] “Don’t go to the hareware store looking for bread.”

[42:45] My husband altered his disclosure after his lie detector results came in. How can I ever trust him?

[45:57] How much of the past should we spend our time discussing?

[49:12] Are lies of omission typical of addicts?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “You don’t quite get the whole picture of healing, change and recovery if you’re not thinking in terms of two-person systems.”

• “What happens on one side of the street affects the other side too.”

• “He will relapse if he’s going to relapse.”

• “Each partner should be able to explain in simple terms why or why not something should be discussed.”

• “Living with intention can only be achieved by two people working on a relationship and constructing it in a co-equal way.”

• “Sobriety is a prerequisite to building a healthy relationship, but it is not the mechanism that a healthy relationship is built with.”

• “It doesn’t have to feel good every step of the way to get a good outcome.”

• “You can’t have serious safety and security in a relationship if you don’t take it seriously.”