Welcome to the first installment of ClarityChaos, a blog/podcast about self-improvement, community, and how all liberation starts with self-liberation. This project underwent many changes and concepts until I finally settled on this one right here. I address all of these topics in greater detail in this episode. However, I wanted to touch upon a moment that pushed me.

I have struggled with my own mental health for many years. There wasn’t a direct cause, but many smaller causes snowballed into a major issue. I became more aware of the person I was and I hated him.

Even though I (or at least I believe) always took suicide seriously, I always made jokes about it. Casually saying I would do it over minor inconveniences, and other dumb edgy jokes. One day I was walking and I came across a bridge. Per usual, I made a joke to myself that I was going to jump. But then I found myself standing there, thinking about how badly I wanted to jump. The release from all the pain I carried with me, the conclusive end to the daily mental battles I refused to talk about, the freedom from the person I hated the most. Myself. This one act would cause me eternal peace.

I don’t remember if it was a phone notification, a car honking its horn, or just the realization of what I was thinking. I eventually snapped out of it and started crying once the weight of what I was about to do finally hit me. People who have never experienced it ask how they can go through it. How they don’t think about their family and friends.

Imagine the most painful headache ever. The first thing on your mind usually won’t be your family, friends, job, or things you love. With such pain, the first (possibly only) thing you can think about is the pain itself. Then on how to end the suffering as quickly as possible. There are quick ways to get rid of the pain. Medicine, hydration, sleep, resting in a dark quiet room, you have good options.

Now let us look at depression and suicidal ideation. Try to think of the pain as equally severe as the headache, but you don’t feel it physically. You stop finding joy in the things you love, and you find yourself becoming distant from those who love you. You stop taking care of yourself. You begin to believe your life has no value and purpose. There is NO safe quick release from this pain. Numbing the pain with addiction, hurting yourself, and the fastest option of them all, suicide are the quick releases.

The experience made me understand and take steps to prioritize my mental health in a way “liberating” myself from that detrimental mentality. This is one of the many experiences that pushed me to do this and other actions today. Everyone has value in this chaotic little life of ours. My community of family and friends healed me, and my great hope with this project is to form an overarching community that can do the same for others.

If (hopefully when) this grows, the para-social relationship between us will feel more distant. So let me say this now. While I appreciate and value you as a member of the ClarityChaos community, go outside and form a community with those physically around you. In the future, we will discuss what that entails (at least in my eyes).